My Confirmation Day, I picked Frances, for my Confirmation Name, after my kind nun Mother Francis of Rome. I was 15years old, the same year I was raped by a priest and I did not know, anything about sex or rape, I was Innocent of all worldly things and deeds. Even in my 20s, I did not know anything about sex. I Do Not Trust No One, even today.
It was not only abuse which the 3 lady workers did to me, they violated my body, by sexual abusing me, just after I took my first steps in life. 18 months old. this went on most nights, up to the age of 5 years old. I was then sent up to the older girls part, of the orphanage, and the sexual abuse started up again. I could not get away from the older girls, as they waited for us little one, outside our classroom, as we went out to go to the toilet, they would get us by our hair, and drag us up the stairs to the attic, and it was all over for us.
I then was sent to Nazareth House, which was run by the Poor Sisters of Nazareth, the abuse continued to me, up to the age of 25years of age. My life was hell and I am still living my life sentence of hell on earth now. the forms of abuse these nus did to me, was done to me, in a sexual way, in which they would tie me naked to a bed. most nights, and thrash me in parts of my body, so as they worked out their sexual fantasy, on me.
Fear for those in Authority. When ever I was called out to see a nun, I would straight away feel weak, wet my pants and not say any thing, the nuns would slap me across my face and say I was stubborn and keep slapping me. I just could not speak, it did not mater what they did to me, I could not open my mouth.
I was put down so much in my life every day and all day long, I believed what I was told about how dumb I was and not to question anyone, least of all, those in authority over me and I got that all my life. It all comes from the nuns that anyone in authority is right, no mater what they say,
When they said you were a liar you were a liar. So I never had the right to question anyone, I was always wrong and I still feel this way, It upsets me so much when I know I am right and still I walk away
When I was 15, I was sent by the nuns at Nazareth House to spend a week in Timaru, with a family called Taylor. During the week the family were visited by a Priest, he had told them, that he had to see to me, I was so happy. It was not to be. The Priest took me to the bedroom then he did things to me, which I know today were not decent. The people outside in the other room did not help me. They did not come in, he made me remove some of my clothes. He then made me set astride his lap where he fondled me sexually with his fingers penetrated my vagina. He put something else up me.
Yes the priest raped me. I knew nothing about sex, or that what he was doing to me, was sex abuse, let alone rape, until 1997 when I went to see a counselor and she told me, that I had being raped, that was the biggest hurt of all, right there and then, I said, I have been raped by God. You see, I always believed that the priest were taking God place on earth, so to me, the priest was God.
When I went back to the convent, which I started to call it now. It sounded better than orphanage and no one would talk to you, if they knew that you came from an orphanage. The priest had told the nuns that I was seeing boys down there. I don't know how that could have being. I was so frightened of boys and would not look at them.
Sister Blandina put me over the bed and thrashed me, within an inch of my life, with her cord and her belt again. Many a time I woke up in bed and not know how I got there, or know what day it was, the nuns would whip and thrash you, until you flaked out.
"What age do I have to be, before they stop this hurt and pain?"
The only time that I would ever speak, to a priest at Nazareth House, was in the confessional or at school, when they came to see us. The priests came to say mass each day and heard our confessions each week. The priest took the girls who made their First Holy Communion and would take the girls for their catechism, confirmation and Children of Mary.
Because of this and what the nuns, the ladies and older girls did to me, is why I have no friends. I don't want to be laugh at, pushed aside, or abuse. No one can harm me, while I am by myself.
They say when a child is being abused of any kind, he/she will try to find some where, to go to be safe. You would think in a house of God, it would be the safest place for a child, how so very wrong you can be. The fear of God is the very first thing that they work on, in your mind. The devil also plays a lot in their torture towards you, so the good and bad, becomes as one to them The contradiction which would fly back and forth out of their mouths, played a very bad part in my life, that I could not do or say anything.
The first thing was that I was born with bad blood in me, I was the devil's daughter, I had the sins of my mother in me, as well as my own, hell was where I had come from, so really I had no where, or nothing to look forward to. So why was I here for? Not for God. He did not want children who where born of the devil. So I would let my mind wander and think of my mother, deep inside me, the longing for my mother would come and take over me.
Without Love, a child mind, does not grow, nor does her soul. The mind plays lots of tricks, on a unwanted, lonely child and more so, on an unwanted, lonely child, in the house of God. You try to turn to God and ask Him all sorts or things, but you have all the answers, just the one. WHY!
The mean words about my mother hurt so much, but all you do is cry and the hatred for you and your mother, as they thrashed you, it was like they kept their strength, so as they could whip you and say all the mean things to you, while you were tied down, and you could not get away from them. As hard as you tried to move your body away from them, they would only tie you tighter to the bed and the more you got whipped and all the while you are also thinking, where can I hide, I must find a place so no one finds me, to hurt me again, it is all you think about and most of all, you did not want to hurt God.
You wanted to stay out of hell, that was the place for the bad people, and even though, you were being thrashed every time Sister Blandina saw you, you sort of knew and asked yourself, what bad you had done? All you would think about, was being good all the time and making sure you did what ever they ask you to do, and that way, you would think, that you would not be thrashed across the bed that night. It just did not ever end.
WHY??? Why, where they so cruel and mean???
But we were in hell, our life was a living hell and we are still in our prison, our hell on earth.