What did you think I was as a child? Not a human being thats for sure.
I am writing this letter on the 10th May 1998 and I can not see for the tears in my eyes. The child in me, has come to write her story, she is with me all the time, always beside me to take the falls, that I can not handle. She needs to be free of this pain and torment she carries, within me. She cries while she writes, and ask WHY? Why did the treat us this way?
I can see the three of you now tying my to the bed post, that big buckle belt and the cord you thrashed my with, would cut into my skin, as you kept on flogging me, each whack got harder and harder, I can feel and see it all so clearly, as though it were happening today.
I once saw a horse tied to a post, with four men whipping her to break her spirit. Is this why you tied me to the post of the bed, when you whipped me? My spirit was broken when I was five years old, I would be what you call the living dead, with no mind of my own. You did not need to do this to me, I was already dead inside, with you pulling my strings.
Did you not know, that it was because of you hitting me on my knuckles, with the side of the ruler, was why I could not do any school work. I was so scared of you. I could hear your rosary beads, as you walked along the corridor outside the classroom, you never once said a kind word to me.
Your words were a belt or cord of action, which caused my misery of extreme pain of body and mind. How could you do this to me? I was a child, who no one wanted. No where to go for help.
It was as though you ripped my life and heart right out of me. I have feeling too, I hurt so much, you knew what you were doing to me.
I can not show my children how much I feel for them. I love them so very much, I feel awkward whenever I kiss them, or give them a hug. It is as though, there is a brick wall in front of me, which I can't knock down.
I would give everything to see you all face to face and tell you how I felt then and how, because of what you did to me, is what I am today. I am a Lady and Mother with no faith in anyone or for myself.
You would tell me to hung my head in shame while you told me off and said those hurtful words to me. I had to put my hands behind my back and look down at the floor, I was not allowed to look at you.
Sister Willamina told me in November, 1997, that you suffered from migraines. You know whenever you were sick, you would go away for three to four days. This did not give you the right to mistreat me. I too suffered from migraines, because of the two falls and the slapping across my face and ears. I had to stay there and suffer in silence. My head and ears pound and throb still everyday with pain.
She also told me that sister Simeon died of cancer. I had cancer in my right kidney after a four hour operation, I had my kidney removed on 19th March 1990, I did not go around beating my family, when I was in pain. I now have spinal arthritis and the pain is so unbearable sometimes, that I have injections in my spine, to help ease the pain
They say to forgive you for what you said and did to me. But I can't.
Didn't you see me hurting?
Didn't you see the pain I was in?
Couldn't you see the fear I had for you? by the way I would move away from you and hide behind the girls.
I was so frightened of you.
Didn't you see the fear on my face?
Is that why you told me to hung my head in Shame?
You acted like a women possessed with evil, a monster, with so much strength, and only us children saw this in you, because to the world outside the walls of the catholic orphanage, you were so meek and mild. Such a good holy nun, you were called by all.